This image isn’t really relevant, I just fancy some hot spiced apple.
Sometimes I get carried away. I get so excited about things. I love to plan and organise and host and make other people happy. I’m known as ‘Mumma Kath’ amongst my university friends which kind of says it all! I didn’t really know whether to write posts about how I’m feeling anymore. I never really had a strong friendship group but I do now, and they know about this blog. In fact, it was one of my friends, Kieran, sending me a spontaneous ‘I like your blog’ text which made me want to write again! I love that they compliment it or ask about it, because TVT is something I love, but at the same time it’s a bit daunting knowing that they’re potentially reading this post or any other post. I don’t often get all emotional on here, but sometimes it’s nice to just put it down.
I work in that way. Having a written plan makes me work better. Writing lists encourages me to do things. Noting memories makes me feel happy. Rambling thoughts on my blog makes my head make sense! So sometimes it is nice to put on a relaxing song and just think for a bit. I get so confused sometimes, what with past and present and future all happening at once really! Last night, we were playing games and quizzes and having one of the funnest nights I’ve had at university! As close as I feel to each of the wonderful friends I’ve made here at Glasgow, we’ve known each other only for weeks, and it’s nice that we still have so much to learn about each other. So we were playing games and learning more about each other, but I came away feeling very emotional and uncertain. Not because I’d spoken about my past or upsetting experiences, not because someone had said something controversial or upsetting. Just because I was reminded so much of myself and who I am and have been.
I spoke in this post about confidence and pressure and how I deal with things, and I guess this is kind of similar. In my final year of high school it all felt very up in the air and I was so ready to move on. Scott was one of the only people I felt really close to and felt was always there as other friends had left or were studying hard, and so sometimes it felt a little lonely. I was the person people came to ask about the school as head girl or who would be the ‘boring’ one at parties because I didn’t want to drink all night (I go out to dance and laugh as well as enjoy a cocktail or two!). I was the person who didn’t really fit in to a group or have anyone to talk to about my emotions except Scott or my family. I didn’t have girl friends, or even really guy friends! That got better over summer and since I’ve come to university I finally feel completely happy in my friendships, within and without my ‘group’.
So last night we played this game and I was reminded a little of how I felt a year ago. I was the one who had the boyfriend, acted like a Mum and at one point was ‘boring’ for not saying much (I was actually tired and thinking about all this stuff!) To clarify, I don’t feel in the slightest bit upset or angry at anyone, this is all MY thoughts and emotions, not me having an issue with what someone else said/did. It’s how I took and understood the situation only!! As I said earlier, I love to make everyone else happy. I like feeding my friends chicken noodle soup and making them honey lemons if they’re ill, I like offering to make a roast dinner or soup for gatherings, I like decorating the kitchen to make everyone else happy- I love that all in fact! But sometimes, you just wanna feel like you’re the fun one or the pretty one or the one who’s anything but a ‘Mum’. You want to feel like you have more to you than just having one label.
I guess what I’m trying to figure out here is how I really feel about being the certain person in the group, because all through high school I felt like I was a very specific person who was singled out and didn’t necessarily fit in anywhere. I get so scared that will happen again. As I said earlier, we’re all still getting to know each other and sometimes I get scared I might fall out the group and end up being a ‘floater’ (that’s a term, right?!) It makes it harder that I don’t have Scott close (geographically) to share stuff with because he’s the one person who never fails to calm me and help me make sense of situations I’m not sure of. I guess really this is all new to me (and everyone, of course!). I like it being new, which is maybe why I worry it will get muddled in the past and I’ll fall into being that uncertain, floater friend who knows everyone but isn’t really close with many people at all.
I know this may not be Christmassy theme or happy and festive, but I’ve felt like that everyday for the past week and today I just didn’t. I figured there was no point pretending I did and not being truthful with myself. I think really that I just feel so lucky to have met the incredible people I have in the past 3 months that I don’t want to lose them or become one specific person to them. I don’t think it’s ever fair on anyone to pressure them with a label, good or bad, be it as the fun, boring, Mum, pretty, smart one. Everyone is so interesting and complex and I love talking to people and understanding more than what’s on the surface, and I hope people want to see that in me.
If you read this all, well done! I hope it resonates and makes sense to you in one way or another. Mostly, I just want everyone to understand that you never have to be one thing with one talent and one skill. You can be whatever and whoever you want to be and however you want to do it!
P.S. Friends, if you’re reading this, I love you all so much!!! And boys, we’ll beat you at the quiz next time…