I’m a pretty confident person in life. I always have been I think. I enjoy a challenge and I am self-motivated, so I tend to put myself out there and have a go at whatever I fancy and if it isn’t my strong point, I don’t let it phase me too much. I often feel pressured to meet deadlines, do well in school, make everybody happy but manage to keep myself focused and not let all that pressure and worry totally overtake my life, but sometimes it is harder than even you yourself expect to push aside that pressure and worry, especially when you’re not used to it.
My exams last year were so important, I needed the grades to get unconditional offers to university this year or I may have had to take more subjects this year that I was not as keen on or as enthusiastic about. And I was nervous before each exam, but it never affected my performance because I knew deep down that I was capable of getting the grades I needed and producing the results I had been throughout the rest of the year if I just put in the work. And I did. I got the grades I needed and now I have the security of knowing I have offers to university. Despite the nerves, I constantly had this feeling deep down that I would get the grades and I would get university offers because I believed in myself and knew I had worked hard for what I needed. I guess I never during that process had to really and truly deal with the raw pressure and expectation some others do because I felt certain in my head that I was able.
Since July last year, I have been learning to drive. No big deal- something everyone does, right? Wrong. I passed my theory first time (just!) which was great, and I booked my practical at the beginning of the year for March 6th (next Wednesday) because I really had no reason to put off setting the date in stone anymore. I have had so many lessons (and spent so much money! :O) that I know I do have it in me to be able to come out of that test at 12pm next Wednesday and say ‘Yes! I passed!‘ But still, I don’t think I will. I feel so scared. And pressured. Even more so that my Higher exams, or awaiting Uni offers. I feel terrified. I don’t think I’m used to this feeling of pressure and uncertainty to the point that I feel really down and panicked about the whole thing. My instructor sat and told me he believes I can pass and in my head I’m going ‘really?‘ or my Mum is explaining that doing this or that will help and I just want her to be quiet because my head can’t process it and feels so full to bursting with the pressure of it all already! It’s really tough!
I know so many people drive/sit tests/learn each and every day and fail too, and I don’t mind if I fail in reality. I’ve never been a competitive person so it isn’t the expectation of passing first time that gets to me at all, but the idea of months more (it takes a while for test booking to come through in little Peebles) money and practicing makes me thing I have to spend those months with this crazy pressure in my head again! It seems so trivial and unimportant as I write it now, but it is funny how sometimes those littlest things are the ones that really make a person wonder.
But I know that it is just one of those things you just gotta do! As I said, I tend to be confident so I’m used to putting effort into things I enjoy because I try to do things I enjoy. I think this is just an example of something that I don’t enjoy learning, and would rather not have to worry about. So really, I guess this is a bit of a learning curve for me, because I need to learn to deal with those things that aren’t easy or that I don’t enjoy. After all, they are going to crop up all my life, right?! I just have to stay positive and keep my confidence despite the tricky bits I don’t necessarily enjoy. My boy has been brilliant at pep talks and inspiring me to just keep it up and do the best I can, and I know he will do in every challenge that comes my way in life. The one good thing that comes of pressure like this for me is that extra thankfulness I get when I turn around and see once more that the people in my life are so magical and great, and that I am so fortunate to be able to lead this life.
Do you ever feel this way? What is it that puts you under pressure?